Thoughts On My Mental State...

Evening Lovelies

Recently I haven't been able to stop thinking about how my mental illnesses has made an impact on my life, good and bad! Maybe it's because of my sister has gone to Reading and living life as an average teenager or maybe it's the fact that my therapy with E isn't going too bad at the moment... There are lots of things I could put it down to but I just can't stop thinking about it! I guess as i've been a fruit loop for a long time now- I am finally accepting the way I am?!

The Bad:

• School/College- My problems started mid term in Year 9, everything was fine up until then- I had no problems at all with going into school. Normal. I missed an awful lot of school for half of year 9 which is the same story for the whole of Year 10... But Year 11 was different- I got taken out of school to be homeschooled due to the fact that school was not helping my mental health problems one bit as well as making me suicidal, so I got taken out! Great idea at the time but now, now I regret it majorly because I never took GCSE's so I had no qualifications par Science! My first year of College I was set to take Math && English... I had to drop them both! I still haven't got those basic qualifications...

• Meds- Im on two different types of meds- an antidepressant and an anti-psychotic, none of which I had no intention of being on! Im worried i'll be forever on medication!       

• Friends- I've lost friends due to my social anxiety and only going out once in a blue moon! Communicating with my friends online can only hold up so much, there is more to socializing than doing it over the internet!! I've had a boyfriend dump me due to me being mentally ill... Discrimination?!   

Okay im gonna stop talking about the bad stuff as it's making me feel low- onto all things rainbows and smiles!

The Good:

• Career- Having been in therapy since I was 14, it's made me realize what I really want to do with my life, to work with other teenagers and kids whom are suffering with mental illnesses! To be on the other side of the table, instead of being on the patient side! Although before I was unwell I knew I wanted a job helping people but now it's something I certainly want to do!

• Determination- Living with acute anxiety has certainly stopped me from participating in a lot of things but recently i've proved to myself that I can push through the anxiety and come out the other side emotionally unharmed! Getting my Photography results the other day has proved me that although it's very anxiety provoking to do certain things, I still put 100% into it! 

• Hope- Since going to Summerhayes last week it has provided me with a lot more positivity for the future, although Im not at the point where I feel I will ever be able to recover- it has given me more hope that I had before I went!

• Giving- I've been a lot more giving since i've been unwell- suffering with mental health problems has altered my mindset, inside I don't feel 17- I feel a lot younger than that so I rely on my mum a lot more than other teenagers may do! Since everything there isn't a day that goes by where I don't appreciate what my mum does for me, everyday 24/7 she is there for me! They say being a parent is the hardest job ever, I can totally get that- I can't imagine the pain my mum must go through each day seeing me in so much emotional pain! I buy her gifts quite a lot- flowers, chocolate just to say 'thank you!' 

• Letter Writing- Due to the fact that I don't go out it means I have a lot of time at home now im not one to sit in front of the TV all day (unless it's Gok) so what else am I meant to do with my time? I love writing letters, I mainly write to my friend A, but am looking for more people across the world to write to- it's such a good time user! 

                                                                    Emma x