Im gonna be a real life Ugly Betty!

Hey Lovelies

So the time has officially come! Next tuesday I will be a real life Ugly Betty... Oh how I love you America Ferrera <3 Yes the time has come for me to get my braces on *YAY* To be honest with you im rather excited about it, sounds strange and your probably thinking 'wait 'till the pain comes, she'll hate them' but Im actually looking forward to it! Okay yes there is parts of me that is freakin' out about tuesday and it's only natural to do so but hey that's cool right? Another suckish thing about getting braces next week is that...well... isn't it blatantly obvious? It's the week of Christmas!! Im going to be in pain during Christmas- how unfair is that? In my defense it was either the 20th December or mid-February and im sorry but i've been waiting since I was 14 to get my braces on so this chick isn't waiting any longer! *Hmph* I guess im more worried about kids making fun of me.... a 17 year old with braces? Seriously! Give me a break... But hey that's their problem right? Im more excited about picking the colors, I think i'll go with Betty Blue especially for Ferrera!

                                                                     Emma x

LUSH Christmas Wants!

Evening Bloggers,

This'll be my first LUSH Christmas, i've a few things on my christmas list as well as a few things I want to nab when the sale comes round.. *squeals with delight* Oooh how I am excited for that!

FOR THE RECORD, I AM IN LOVE WITH SNOW FAIRY <3

                                                                         Emma x

Feeling not so optimistic....

Good Evening

Today I had my CAMHS CPA meeting, for people that don't know what that is it's a Care Plan Approach meeting for when the time is coming up to switch services which is what I'll be doing in about two months time! I'll be going from CAMHS to WAMHS (Working Age Mental Health Services) or as me and my mum just like to refer to it as Wham (as in the band). Personally I think the name sounds pretty funny, not your average sounding service! Anyways, the meeting was okay I guess- rather very awkward at times but it went okay I mean no meeting with therapists is going to go brilliantly is it? So E was telling us about how Wham works when she brought down the bombshell from the oh-so-unforgiving sky... I might not be accepted into the service!! Now this is something that I hadn't though of, I mean why would I i've been with CAMHS for over 3 years and not once has there ever been mention of being discharged- I just assumed that I would automatically get accepted into the service because of the mental illnesses that I am suffering with!! I don't know, I guess im now feeling anxious that im not even going to get into the Wham service it's been talked about so much but now there is the possibility that im not even going to be accepted!

 Gaaah why is this life so full of complications?!


                                                    Emma x

Trying to find strength...But im so tired.

Good Evening Everyone,

Im going through a hard extremely hard time again, why are things so low at the moment? I can't help but thinking that it's being back at College and the anxiety of having my uncle from San Francisco over for four days, it's all getting too much to the point where I just want to roll away, crying and never coming back. By rolling away I mean running away whereas 'melting away' means committing suicide- I find it easier to say these phrases because it takes away that emotion from my family as to if I was going to say "Im so desperate to commit suicide" I feel safer saying those phrases, I can't upset my mum even more.

Im trying to find the strength to carry on, act like a normal teenager and go to College etc... but it's so hard. In my mind im not 17 im under 10, I depend so much on my mum to help me with things, be there for me but I don't want to live a life like that... If im ever going to live in the USA I want need to become more independent. Im tired of pretending to be strong, on the outside I seem as though I can achieve anything but on the inside I feel weak, upset and alone when at the end of the day I just want to live a normal life. Im fed up of being the un-finished Rubix Cube. Im tired of being the screwed up Post-it note!!


                                                  Emma x

Week in Photos #3

Evening Everyone.

Previous to last week it's been a difficult week. I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and a lot of anxiety!

Last Saturday saw my town's new Bonfire Society come together. There was a parade at the bottom of my road which me and my parents went down to watch, I managed to get a couple good photos despite the bad street lightning! My favorite aspect of this photograph is the skull and crossbones.

Tuesdays CM-afternoon-Mani
A simple Halloween design, there was a pumpkin on my thumb!

 One of the best things about Autumn is the colors of the leaves, this is a bush in the front of my garden! I took a photo of it when it was first turning red/orange- it certainly took a good few weeks for it to be perfectly changed, but altogether I absolutely love this photo especially with the rain drops on it- England in a nutshell!

 Another Photography photo, whereas this one was taking in my back garden. My main objective was to capture the color of the sky as the sun was setting but then I saw how pretty the trees and branches looked so I decided to include those in the photo to! Makes for a very pretty photo, don't you think? The point of interest in this photo would be the bare tree in the garden next door, it's the thing my eye get drawn to!

 Today I baked fairy cakes with my darling twin sister, we weren't sure what to make but Lucy came up with baking fairy cakes, so that's what the final outcome was! There a little different, we used food coloring inside the cakes, red and orange- although in saying that the red looked more like pink and the orange looked more like peach, all the same though they still tasted delish! These were my decorated cakes, I wanted to keep things simple!

Since I was homeschooled during Year 11 I never took GCSE's, I had to drop GCSE Maths during my first year of College as it all got too much what with trying to recover from mental illness so this year im re-taking but instead of having the stress of doing it at College im doing it at home as an ICS distance learning GCSE Maths course. I officially started it on monday, so far so good but boy oh boy it's freaking hard!

 My very first Costa! On Thursday I went to Brighton with my mum, usually when I go out I just get a bottle of water if I need a drink what with my eating disorder holding me back from doing everything normal. So I decided to push myself and I got a Cappuccino, which was very nice! Will certainly be getting a coffee out from now on!

 An A* in Photography deserves a present right? Sure does! Well this is my present from my parents, a £90 pair of flowery Dr Martens! I absolutely love them, although i've yet to wear them out I certainly will be as soon as I take a trip out into the wide world!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, no shopping trip to Brighton is complete without a trip into LUSH! I am a sucker for LUSH shower gel so this time round I couldn't resist picking up 'Happy Hippy' which I especially love and everyone's favorite, 'Snow Fairy', im not sure on this one but im sure it'll grow on me as it hits the warmth of the shower! I especially love going in there as the S.A's are so nice and helpful!


                                            Emma x

Transition.

Evening Ladies

In January I will be 18. A lot of people look forward to their 18th birthday, it's signals becoming an adult and no longer being a child, but im anxious about turning 18 for a very different reason... At 18 I leave CAMHS! Now since I was 14 i've been going to CAMHS, it's dominated my teenage years pretty much and soon will be the time to leave and move on to the adult services! Although CAMHS isn't the best of services out there for young people suffering with mental illness, I think we can all agree that it's helped a little on some levels- I mean to be honest it could be worse, I could have no support at all so im very grateful to them!

When I turn 18 I will be going onto the adult services, Working Age Mental Health Services also known as WAMHS- the name makes me laugh! Im feeling pretty unsure about the whole change over purely because i've heard bad things about the adult services, apparently your therapy appts are pretty spaced apart- im not talking a couple of weeks im talking a month here... at least that's what my friend said! Of course it varies within each service, I just can't help but feel apprehensive about it! The plan is to stick with the NHS and then if the service isn't what we thought it would be then we'll be going privately, which in my opinion sounds the better option out of the two!


                                                  Emma x

From Bad To Worse..

Evening Everyone

So things seem to be getting a lot worse over this past week or so, I don't even know why! Im feeling so much more sad that I did this time last week! I just wish I had an answer... I saw E my CAMHS worker today, the way she described it was that sometimes there isn't a reason for my low moods and that they just come randomly, fair enough but still Im a person who needs to have control over everything, I'd at least like to know why im feeling this way- surely I deserve that?

On Thursday my suicidal thoughts returned, I didn't know what to do or who to turn to but I forced myself into College, surely having a distraction would help right? I was worried in particular that Bear would pick up on my mood and want to speak to me outside, thank god he didn't so I was in the clear!

                                                                        Emma x

Week in Photos #2

Evening Lovlies,

Hope everyone is having a happy saturday! The best part of my day is yet to come... Later on when I watch Criminal Minds S7 with my mum. Anyways, here comes my week-

 On sunday I used my ballistic which had been sitting around for ages! It was very nice to finally just sit in the bath and relax- it's a moment that is very rare in my life so I particularly enjoyed it! Be purchasing 'Twilight' again, smells gorgeous && it's blue on the inside which made the water turn a lovely mauve color!

 One of my favorite photography pictures of the week! Took this photo from inside the car on my way to the Orthodontist last tuesday, the clouds look absolutely stunning in this photo! I love the composition of the houses in between the clouds!

Saturdays midnight mani using Models Own.

Tuesdays' afternoon Criminal-Minds-watching mani

 On Friday I baked Banana Cake. The last time I baked this was in September of 2009 so a very long time ago, I couldn't remember what it tasted like but it was certainly delish this time round! Will certainly be making this cake again, the only downside to it is that only me and my mum like it... Oh well more banana loving for us!

 On thursday my mum bought me a box of Celebrations as a little gift for making it through the whole first term of College, the main achievement was that I only missed one lesson which in my world is absolutely massive! A very proud mummy and a very happy Emma.

My first Polaroid camera, it's something that i've always wanted! Bought this beauty today in a charity shop for just.. wait for it £5!! Amazing && film for this model is still being sold online! More to come about this tomorrow..

                                                                         Emma x

Anxiety && OCD Are Best Friends....

Evening Lovelies

So basically this is just post is just going to be me waffling on about my anxiety and OCD so if you don't want to read me waffle like the waffler I am then I would advise you to leave, thank you!

Gangbanger. That is the word I would use to describe my OCD and anxiety, they like to pair up as a team and make my life a misery together- I swear they do it just to bring me down! These past couple weeks my anxiety has been getting a lot worse especially at night once my mum has left the room it just rockets right up into space but the thing is... I don't know why? I don't know why my anxiety is getting worse, there isn't anything that I can remotely think of as to why it could make my anxiety rise- so that makes things all the more frustrating!!

My obsessive compulsive disorder has been particularly getting me down especially during the evening and before I eat, it consumes my brain so much that I just want to scream, smash the wall in and cry- I absolutely hate it im just surprised that i've managed this far along without breaking my hand into the wall! I can just feel the emotion building up inside myself, it's just all getting too much to cope with right now! My plan is to ring E my CAMHS worker tomorrow, see what she says and then I'll take it from there because I just cant cope with it anymore... my meds are to be upped next week which is a little worrying as the 0.5mg of Risperidone is already making me take up to 3 naps a day-that's how tired it makes me so im just anxious that it'll make me even more tired and then I won't be able to cope with College!! Subconsciously that could be what im worrying about but I don't feel particularly worried about it...

Ho hum I do hate this situation the fact that my anxiety and OCD are getting worse makes me all the more depressed in day to day life, then Im no good to anyone! Part of my therapy with E is to push myself with my OCD rituals etc... but it's hard when Im left to do it by myself, part of me wishes to do exposure therapy but then I worry that i'll get too anxious and pull out of it! I wish I was in America, then it would be a heck of a lot easier to do exposure therapy rather than on the NHS there's very limited choice of things to do when it comes to mental illness!

                                                                         Emma x

Mini LUSH haul.

Hey Lovelies

Hope everyone is having a fab weekend! I've just been watching X Factor *sighs dreamily* gosh Katy Perry is so darn hot! Anyways, onto the topic of the post...LUSH.

I absolutely adore LUSH it certainly beats the Body Shop any day but then I can't really compare them as they are both different stores! I remember the day my dad came home from work telling me about this new store which had recently opened up in Brighton selling all these crazy smelling products, it blew my mind when I first went in there- it was amazing! My first ever purchase in LUSH was the Ma Bar Bubble Bar, the mars bar chocolately scent which what drew me to buying it- my god it was absolutely divine! Course me being the youngen that I was I didn't realize that the Ma Bar was for the bath so I used it in the shower so it crumbled down the plug hole which was rather disappointing! I've learn my LUSH lesson now...

 Anyways, onto the haul!

A couple weeks back I made a 'LUSH Want List' and this little beauty was on my list...Loving the smell of honey I was pretty sure I would adore this, I mean who wouldn't? When I smelt this in the shop I wasn't overly crazy on the scent of it but I gave it a go and once I had gotten home and smelt it I absolutely loved it! First use of 'It's Raining Men' was today- so far so good it's a very soft formula so it won't be drying on your skin at all, i've felt no need to moisturize after using this shower gel!

I bought this ballistic a few weeks ago, I just haven't gotten round to trying it out! It's the 'Twilight' ballistic which is heavenly to be in the bath with! For anyone who has never used 'Twilight' it's pink on the outside with stars and moons whereas when it fizz's away in the tub it goes into a blue fizzing melt just fizzing away going about it's on business! I like how on one half of the bath it's purple/mauve whereas on the other side it's pink- makes for an interesting bath! Once it's all fizzed away it leaves the water a deep mauve color with speckles of glitter floating around, it makes for a very pretty looking bath! This ballistic makes for very soft, moisturizing water which is a very lovely feeling on your body! In the middle of the ballistic it contains lavender and tonka oils which are soothing and helps to relax your body and mind while on the outside contains notes of caramel and an almost ovaltine smell which makes for a very yummy smelling bath bomb!

 Final product in my mini LUSH haul is the 'Love Lettuce' face mask, I've always wanted to try a LUSH face mask but being the poor student that I am has thought they were rather expensive for what they actually are but I decided to speak to one of the SA's about their face masks. She asked me what type my skin was, ranging from normal to oily she recommended the 'Love Lettuce' one as it contains seaweed oil and almond shells which creates a natural exfoliant- never a bad thing! The Kaolin and Fullers Earth soak up all the excess oil in the skin which is what I really want out of a face mask as my skin does become a little too oily sometimes! Im looking forward to using this tomorrow, it says to pop it in the fridge which I still haven't done but im sure it'll be fine seeing as it's only a small sample! I love how the S.A's give you free samples if you aren't too sure on what product to buy, the person I had was so lovely!

                                                                 Emma x

Week in Photos #1

Evening Everyone

Hope your all having a happy saturday!

I've seen this around a few blogs, I thought it looked like fun so I've decided to join in on the action with my own 'week of photos' this week has been a pretty chilled week, stressful I will add though after going to a College meeting on monday but other than that it's not been too bad!

 Recently I've gotten into baking again which previously I used to do but because of my eating disorder I wouldn't eat what I had made but now im starting to actually taste the cakes and bakes that i've created which is a massive thing for me! This is the Honey && Almond cake that I made on monday, it was lovely but next time could do with more honey! *buzzzzz*

 Earlier on this year i've been dying my hair a plumy/purply color as apposed to my usual brown hair, I thought it would be a nice change from the norm! The first two times my sister dyed my hair for me but this week I took the plunge and did it all by myself! I was a little nervous at first but the fact that my hair was in dire need of re-dying helped me get over my initial worries!

 This was a lovely little surprise that I got from one of my penpals, Arisa from Japan she sent me a lovely pen and a couple bags of gummy bears, which were particularly enjoyed on the way home from College! This was the first ever letter I had from her so it was a big surprise especially to see these other little goodies in the package!

 I keep coming back to this mani time and time again, it's totally cute + it's my mums favorite! This was my usual tuesday afternoon-watching-Criminal Minds-manicure! It also gave me another chance to use my new Models Own purple nail varnish!

Ah my dearest friend, LUSH- oh how I adore you! Today I tested out my anxiety and pushed the boat out... I went shopping! To be honest it was nice going out getting some new things but I absolutely hate going out as it makes my anxiety worse but im proud of myself for sticking it out! Course, a shopping trip isn't complete without a trip to LUSH, there shall be a mini haul tomorrow!


                                                           Emma x

CRIMINAL MINDS

Evening Beauts,

Today has been a very exciting day for me purely because Season 7 of my favorite ever program comes out tonight... well actually it's on right this moment and my favorite program I hear you ask? None other than the American crime drama Criminal Minds- it's a program that I absolutely adore && will always adore! You'll probably wondering why im sat here blogging rather than watching my beloved program... I blame OCD! It's all OCD's fault as to why I can't watch it right now but no fear im recording it as we blog ready to watch it tonight with my mumma (a true fan yet she doesn't like to admit it) I can't wait! I've already had a little sneaky peak just at the preview of the first episode 'It Takes a Village' I mean come on who can resist Prentiss's charming ways!!

Not surprisingly I have this photo next to my bed <3

                                                                     

                                                                 Emma x

Models Own.

Evening wonderful people of the blogging world,

Long time no speak. Gosh it's been since Saturday that i've last posted- a lot has been going on in the world of PassTheProzac i've been going to College which is pretty freakin' amazing as today symbols one month at College which i've only missed one day which im totally stoked about because I usually miss way more than that- proud moment! I've also been busy with my WRAP course (i'll get to that later).

My new mantra is 'a treat a week' as earlier on this week i've been told that I don't treat myself enough- the way I *used* to see it was that I didn't deserve treats and nice things because im a fruit loop but that's totally not the case, just because I suffer with a lot of problems doesn't mean I don't deserve to treat myself!! So this weeks treat is something i've always wanted... Models Own nail varnish, which arrived today! It's popped a big ol' smile on my face!

The Models Own trio together forever!

True Blue.

Orange Sorbet.

Lilac Dream.

I can't wait to use these on Saturday for my midnight mani especially excited to be using 'Orange Sorbet' it's just to bright and vivid- the photo certainly doesn't do the color justice! You'll have to excuse the photo quality my iPhone camera was being an ass tonight plus I took it in the evening so there wasn't much light to work with! I think im gonna like my new mantra....

                                                                           Emma x

An adventure into the big wide world...

Evening Everyone

Eventful. That's the word that I would use to sum up the day and boy was it a difficult, I braved going out in the outside world to a market in a town a few miles away from me with my darling parents! I don't really remember the last time I went to a market, since my eating disorder I always thought they were pretty boring as I can't try the different cheese's and chutneys on the weeney pieces of cracker so I never went but today was different... Today I wanted to test myself && my outside world limits, famous last words!

I regretted it. As soon as I got there I regretted coming out, I just wanted to go back home to the safety of my bed and Doctor Who! The sheer amount of people there was unbelievable, I'd gladly go and hide under a market stall just to get away from all the people >.< Gah it was horrible- never again shall I go back to that market... but you know what despite all that, I did it- I made it outside && the world didn't fall apart even if my emotions did, im still alive!

On the way back I managed to snap a couple of pictures of the brewery... Mmm I feel sleepy!

The place where alcohol beer related dreams are made!

Free beer is never a bad thing!!

So tempting to just jump right in and paddle away...

                                                                       Emma x

Emma x

Going private...

Evening Everyone

For a while now there has been talk amongst my parents of getting private therapy to help me with my mental health problems, the moment has arrived! The other day me && my mother were browsing online at private therapists who specialize in eating disorders, we found someone who looks very promising- KER-CHING! Im set to meet her next tuesday at 2pm with my mumma, im feeling very nervous all ready i've never really seen someone just for my eating disorder apart from D when I was 14- but that was mainly because I was so underweight! It's going to be a difficult week for sure, monday i've got my second session of WRAP, tuesday i've got College && im seeing my new E/D therapist, wednesday I think im seeing E my CAMHS worker && thursday I've got College!! It's going to be a long week... 


                                                                  Emma x

Hope for the future after Monday?

Evening Lovelies


Hope your all have a nice weekend so far!


So on monday I start this WRAP Course that i've been put down to do at Summerhayes which is a new service im with for people suffering with mental illnesses etc... WRAP stands for Wellness Recovery Action Plan which was founded by Mary Ellen Copeland in 1989. Her idea was to shift in mental health care from 'symptom control' to prevention and recovery, on her website I quote what she says about the course "the result is significant life enhancement, gains in self esteem, and self confidence as people become contributing members of the community." Sounds pretty positive right! 


I think the WRAP Course sounds really good overall- it costs just £10 for a three hour a week, six week course which to me sounds extremely good but as i've said before money is no object for my parents when it comes to helping me with my mental illnesses, soon to be going private for my eating disorder! Of course I have my anxieties about monday (obviously, it wouldn't be called anxiety disorder if I was totally calm) I guess my main worry really is that I'll be the youngest person there because technically you have to be over 18 to even join Summerhayes but because of the mental illnesses that I suffer with they've made an exception on my account so I've joined four months earlier... It's not a massive age gap between adulthood but im particularly worried that people will leave me out due to the fact that i'll be the youngest there, I know my worries sound silly but that's how Im feeling about it all but I guess I will just have to wait until monday to find out!


                                                                   Emma x

Specialized Therapists...

Hello Lovelies

Today has been a particularly stressful day to say the least! I was meant to have counseling at College today at 9.30 but she never turned up, turned out the woman in student services didn't tell her that she was supposed to see me today! Not only was I annoyed that I had wasted an hour of my life when I could have been happily asleep in my cosy, warm bed but it was my mum that had to suffer too as she takes me to and from College!!

Anyways during the break between 'counseling' and my English class I had two hours to kill so we both decided to go into town. We came across this Juice bar which I totally didn't know was there, so that was awesome I got a 'Zing Time' juice which was freshly squeezed OJ with lemon && lime- it was totally lush! So we were sat by the river chatting about my eating disorder as we never really speak about it... we were basically putting CAMHS down for the fact that they've hardly helped since I got referred there when I was 14! I mean how hard is it for them to help with my eating problems? My dad works with American Express and gets free healthcare so he is looking into getting me a counselor who just deals with eating disorders... I mean how hard is it these days to get a specialized therapist?

This is the eating disorder I suffer with!

I just worry that when I turn 18... in fact I turn 18 tomorrow in exactly four months time-weird! Like I was saying, I just worry that when the time comes for me to leave CAMHS- I'll still be in the same situation if not worse than I am in at the moment! I would just love to be able to go out and eat something even if it's the smallest muffin in the world, it would be a massive step for me but that's the thing... I can't do it by myself, I need help but where's the help when I need it?


                                                      Emma x

Happy S7 Criminal Minds Day Everyone....

Good Evening To You All,

So today is a very exciting day for all CM lovers out there... tonight Season 7 of Criminal Minds is released at 9pm (CBS) in the country that is America! It's what everyone has been waiting for, sadly thought because I live in England we don't get S7 of Criminal Minds until the 6th January which in effect will be an early birthday present for me, which is never a bad thing! I've already seen the preview of it on Youtube for episode 1 "It Takes A Village" && it looks so good that I just want to fly out the US just to see it!

It's good to have the family all back together!

Im fairly new to CM although I've basically seen every episode in each series because well... I love it so much I can't go a day without watching it! I first got into it earlier this year when I was searching out for something to watch && I came across this program... I showed it to my mum and we watched it right through and the rest is history- we watch it together every single day!

So glad A.J is back! Image from 'It Takes A Village'

The gorgeous Emily Prentiss.

Yes, my favorite character in CM is Prentiss! Paget is such an amazing actress- I mean have you see how amazingly gorgeous she is? On monday I saw the episode where she 'dies' although I knew she didn't really... it was still a very emotional episode to watch after seeing my darling Paget through 5 whole seasons suddenly she goes just like that...I just want S7 to come quicker so I can see her again!!

The official 'I <3 CM' mani

Not bad for free hand!

                                                                        

                                                              What I Used:

                                                           - Barry M Matt White

                                                           - Beauty UK Clear 

                                                           - Models Own Nail Art Pen

                                                           - Sparkly Red

Of course you couldn't have an official S7CM Day without a special CM inspired manicure, I absolutely love this one! I feel so proud of the heart considering I drew it free hand, im usually rubbish when it comes to drawing on my nails... I guess my love is so strong everything worked out! 

My DVD Collection so far.... 

My CM merch consists currently of Season 2 && 5 both I absolutely love but right now am really wanting S4 and S6 which im waiting for Play.com to holla at me about once it's S6 has been released- the question is am I strong enough to watch Emily's death all over again... Course I am- I wouldn't miss it for the world! I also have my Criminal Minds T-shirt which i've had for quite some time now, it's my absolute favorite t-shirt ever! 

CM T-shirt babyyy!

It's all very exciting knowing that once S7 aires it'll be on it's way down to the UK, I absolutely cannot wait! I've been waiting for this for oh-so-long && now the moment has arrived for it to come to the UK... in four months time that is which is a massive shame as most US shows air in the UK a couple of days later, but not CM oh no- we have to wait four months until we get our delicious CM fix!

                                                                     Emma x