Evening Lovelies
So basically this is just post is just going to be me waffling on about my anxiety and OCD so if you don't want to read me waffle like the waffler I am then I would advise you to leave, thank you!
Gangbanger. That is the word I would use to describe my OCD and anxiety, they like to pair up as a team and make my life a misery together- I swear they do it just to bring me down! These past couple weeks my anxiety has been getting a lot worse especially at night once my mum has left the room it just rockets right up into space but the thing is... I don't know why? I don't know why my anxiety is getting worse, there isn't anything that I can remotely think of as to why it could make my anxiety rise- so that makes things all the more frustrating!!
My obsessive compulsive disorder has been particularly getting me down especially during the evening and before I eat, it consumes my brain so much that I just want to scream, smash the wall in and cry- I absolutely hate it im just surprised that i've managed this far along without breaking my hand into the wall! I can just feel the emotion building up inside myself, it's just all getting too much to cope with right now! My plan is to ring E my CAMHS worker tomorrow, see what she says and then I'll take it from there because I just cant cope with it anymore... my meds are to be upped next week which is a little worrying as the 0.5mg of Risperidone is already making me take up to 3 naps a day-that's how tired it makes me so im just anxious that it'll make me even more tired and then I won't be able to cope with College!! Subconsciously that could be what im worrying about but I don't feel particularly worried about it...
Ho hum I do hate this situation the fact that my anxiety and OCD are getting worse makes me all the more depressed in day to day life, then Im no good to anyone! Part of my therapy with E is to push myself with my OCD rituals etc... but it's hard when Im left to do it by myself, part of me wishes to do exposure therapy but then I worry that i'll get too anxious and pull out of it! I wish I was in America, then it would be a heck of a lot easier to do exposure therapy rather than on the NHS there's very limited choice of things to do when it comes to mental illness!
Emma x
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