This is it....

Evening Bloggers,

Well this is it, it's now 2012! Everything is all up in the air now, today in three weeks time I turn 18! CAMHS only goes up to 18, so i'll be going into the adult services! When? That's something I don't know it could be a day over my 18th or it could be three months over my 18th, it all depends when the adult services get into contact! The referral letter got sent last week (I think) so maybe I might hear from them between now and my next appt with E, I hate not knowing when i'll leave- that's the thing that frustrates me the most about the situation! If there was a set date then I could prepare myself for it but there isn't so no doubt it'll suddenly spring upon me or E will suddenly say at the end of session "Oh yeah next week will be our last session"!!

 Damn Paget- why you so hot? 

I so have plans for our last session, whenever it will be? We shall sit and watch Criminal Minds and then I can go on and on about how much I love Paget, sounds rather fabby to me! Maybe even kinda awkward but hey im never one to miss out on a CM opportunity! Im thinking the EP centered episode would be good to watch but then again maybe even the episode with Ian Doyle... Hmm... your therapist, Paget Brewster, Ian Doyle and that unbutton-down-her-shirt-moment ;) Oh yes you know the one fans!

                                                                     Emma x

Im gonna be a real life Ugly Betty!

Hey Lovelies

So the time has officially come! Next tuesday I will be a real life Ugly Betty... Oh how I love you America Ferrera <3 Yes the time has come for me to get my braces on *YAY* To be honest with you im rather excited about it, sounds strange and your probably thinking 'wait 'till the pain comes, she'll hate them' but Im actually looking forward to it! Okay yes there is parts of me that is freakin' out about tuesday and it's only natural to do so but hey that's cool right? Another suckish thing about getting braces next week is that...well... isn't it blatantly obvious? It's the week of Christmas!! Im going to be in pain during Christmas- how unfair is that? In my defense it was either the 20th December or mid-February and im sorry but i've been waiting since I was 14 to get my braces on so this chick isn't waiting any longer! *Hmph* I guess im more worried about kids making fun of me.... a 17 year old with braces? Seriously! Give me a break... But hey that's their problem right? Im more excited about picking the colors, I think i'll go with Betty Blue especially for Ferrera!

                                                                     Emma x

LUSH Christmas Wants!

Evening Bloggers,

This'll be my first LUSH Christmas, i've a few things on my christmas list as well as a few things I want to nab when the sale comes round.. *squeals with delight* Oooh how I am excited for that!

FOR THE RECORD, I AM IN LOVE WITH SNOW FAIRY <3

                                                                         Emma x

Feeling not so optimistic....

Good Evening

Today I had my CAMHS CPA meeting, for people that don't know what that is it's a Care Plan Approach meeting for when the time is coming up to switch services which is what I'll be doing in about two months time! I'll be going from CAMHS to WAMHS (Working Age Mental Health Services) or as me and my mum just like to refer to it as Wham (as in the band). Personally I think the name sounds pretty funny, not your average sounding service! Anyways, the meeting was okay I guess- rather very awkward at times but it went okay I mean no meeting with therapists is going to go brilliantly is it? So E was telling us about how Wham works when she brought down the bombshell from the oh-so-unforgiving sky... I might not be accepted into the service!! Now this is something that I hadn't though of, I mean why would I i've been with CAMHS for over 3 years and not once has there ever been mention of being discharged- I just assumed that I would automatically get accepted into the service because of the mental illnesses that I am suffering with!! I don't know, I guess im now feeling anxious that im not even going to get into the Wham service it's been talked about so much but now there is the possibility that im not even going to be accepted!

 Gaaah why is this life so full of complications?!


                                                    Emma x

Trying to find strength...But im so tired.

Good Evening Everyone,

Im going through a hard extremely hard time again, why are things so low at the moment? I can't help but thinking that it's being back at College and the anxiety of having my uncle from San Francisco over for four days, it's all getting too much to the point where I just want to roll away, crying and never coming back. By rolling away I mean running away whereas 'melting away' means committing suicide- I find it easier to say these phrases because it takes away that emotion from my family as to if I was going to say "Im so desperate to commit suicide" I feel safer saying those phrases, I can't upset my mum even more.

Im trying to find the strength to carry on, act like a normal teenager and go to College etc... but it's so hard. In my mind im not 17 im under 10, I depend so much on my mum to help me with things, be there for me but I don't want to live a life like that... If im ever going to live in the USA I want need to become more independent. Im tired of pretending to be strong, on the outside I seem as though I can achieve anything but on the inside I feel weak, upset and alone when at the end of the day I just want to live a normal life. Im fed up of being the un-finished Rubix Cube. Im tired of being the screwed up Post-it note!!


                                                  Emma x

Week in Photos #3

Evening Everyone.

Previous to last week it's been a difficult week. I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and a lot of anxiety!

Last Saturday saw my town's new Bonfire Society come together. There was a parade at the bottom of my road which me and my parents went down to watch, I managed to get a couple good photos despite the bad street lightning! My favorite aspect of this photograph is the skull and crossbones.

Tuesdays CM-afternoon-Mani
A simple Halloween design, there was a pumpkin on my thumb!

 One of the best things about Autumn is the colors of the leaves, this is a bush in the front of my garden! I took a photo of it when it was first turning red/orange- it certainly took a good few weeks for it to be perfectly changed, but altogether I absolutely love this photo especially with the rain drops on it- England in a nutshell!

 Another Photography photo, whereas this one was taking in my back garden. My main objective was to capture the color of the sky as the sun was setting but then I saw how pretty the trees and branches looked so I decided to include those in the photo to! Makes for a very pretty photo, don't you think? The point of interest in this photo would be the bare tree in the garden next door, it's the thing my eye get drawn to!

 Today I baked fairy cakes with my darling twin sister, we weren't sure what to make but Lucy came up with baking fairy cakes, so that's what the final outcome was! There a little different, we used food coloring inside the cakes, red and orange- although in saying that the red looked more like pink and the orange looked more like peach, all the same though they still tasted delish! These were my decorated cakes, I wanted to keep things simple!

Since I was homeschooled during Year 11 I never took GCSE's, I had to drop GCSE Maths during my first year of College as it all got too much what with trying to recover from mental illness so this year im re-taking but instead of having the stress of doing it at College im doing it at home as an ICS distance learning GCSE Maths course. I officially started it on monday, so far so good but boy oh boy it's freaking hard!

 My very first Costa! On Thursday I went to Brighton with my mum, usually when I go out I just get a bottle of water if I need a drink what with my eating disorder holding me back from doing everything normal. So I decided to push myself and I got a Cappuccino, which was very nice! Will certainly be getting a coffee out from now on!

 An A* in Photography deserves a present right? Sure does! Well this is my present from my parents, a £90 pair of flowery Dr Martens! I absolutely love them, although i've yet to wear them out I certainly will be as soon as I take a trip out into the wide world!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, no shopping trip to Brighton is complete without a trip into LUSH! I am a sucker for LUSH shower gel so this time round I couldn't resist picking up 'Happy Hippy' which I especially love and everyone's favorite, 'Snow Fairy', im not sure on this one but im sure it'll grow on me as it hits the warmth of the shower! I especially love going in there as the S.A's are so nice and helpful!


                                            Emma x

Transition.

Evening Ladies

In January I will be 18. A lot of people look forward to their 18th birthday, it's signals becoming an adult and no longer being a child, but im anxious about turning 18 for a very different reason... At 18 I leave CAMHS! Now since I was 14 i've been going to CAMHS, it's dominated my teenage years pretty much and soon will be the time to leave and move on to the adult services! Although CAMHS isn't the best of services out there for young people suffering with mental illness, I think we can all agree that it's helped a little on some levels- I mean to be honest it could be worse, I could have no support at all so im very grateful to them!

When I turn 18 I will be going onto the adult services, Working Age Mental Health Services also known as WAMHS- the name makes me laugh! Im feeling pretty unsure about the whole change over purely because i've heard bad things about the adult services, apparently your therapy appts are pretty spaced apart- im not talking a couple of weeks im talking a month here... at least that's what my friend said! Of course it varies within each service, I just can't help but feel apprehensive about it! The plan is to stick with the NHS and then if the service isn't what we thought it would be then we'll be going privately, which in my opinion sounds the better option out of the two!


                                                  Emma x